Severus Snape - Ultimate Bowling Champion
by Me2468
Summary: I think the title rather speaks for itself... Small One-Shot based off my Multi-Chapter Vernon's Assistant. Can be read alone. Please review. No slash.


Severus Snape- Ultimate Bowling Champion

Petunia was quite close to sulking. So close, in fact, her bottom lip was already stretched to its limit in a horsey pout and she could barely breathe for her tightly crossed arms. In a bid to be a normal child on their birthday, however, she managed to swap her position for a meagre scowl. Yes, Petunia Evans was rather upset on her twelfth birthday, despite what it might read on the large badge she was wearing. The thought of it, increased her desire to rip it from her clothing and jump heartily upon it, if only to relieve some of her frustration. She licked her lips and observed her clothing, a dark pink floral dress, with a silk belt. No, Petunia supposed decisively, it wouldn't do to rip her new dress. After a deep breath she managed a smile, except a moment later her mother walked past so she screwed her face up to prove her hatred of the horrible decision. The subject of which had just rang the doorbell.

If she was as good a hostess as she typically was, Petunia would have been up there like a shot, but no, this one deserved to wait.

Lily answered the door.

Speaking of Lily, Petunia still hadn't decided her feelings towards her sibling. It had been her who had suggested the whole thing, but then again, wouldn't Tuney have done the same thing to Lily?

Lily did not deserve to be ignored, as long as she conceded that it was Petunia's birthday and that therefore she came first in every way.

The passive expression that had entered Petunia's face quickly morphed back to its monster state, as _he_ became visible.

Severus Snape, the bane of her existence. The Stalin to her Trotsky, the Cain to her Abel, the Joker to her Batman. Not that he was in any way amusing, she thought derisively. Well, maybe his face; she sniggered aloud.

Her mother flashed her a look, so she stood up to observe the new-comer. Snape wore too baggy jeans and a shrunken, clearly patched shirt that looked as if it bore some of the remnants of vomit. Trust Lily to make friends with him. Petunia could see the putrid odour as though it had been drawn on him like a cartoon. Why Lily would like him she wasn't too sure. He was a freak. Lily had already contracted the disease and refused to break off the friendship, still!

The chair made a very loud fart like sound as she stood up. Now she had too choices, either say blatantly, "It wasn't me!" and risk people believe she was lying or glare at Snape so that everyone in the vicinity thought it was him originally. She chose the latter option and yet Lily didn't look too bothered or horrified at what her friend might have done, but skipped off to find her white shoes.

Snape shuffled awkwardly in the room so Petunia decided she ought to confront the boy and tell him what's what. She flounced carelessly over to Snape smoothing any possible creases as she went. Like a vulture she circled him until landing unceremoniously in front of him. She was about half a head taller, which looked all rather odd as their shoulders were at the same height.

"You will not ruin today. You are a bully and a freak and I will not tolerate you at my birthday party if you continue this behaviour."

If she expected him to be intimidated by her Oscar worthy performance she was seriously misinformed. Snape drew himself up and muttered "Better a bullying freak than an ugly muggle."

Petunia as this close to murdering him (granted you cannot see the distance I am gesturing but simply imagine a really really really really really really really short distance), however typical children do not murder other people on their birthdays, so Petunia managed to refrain from committing her large desire. Instead she took the high road and flounced off to give her nail varnish a finishing coat. To make sure he understood that she was not backing down but was beating him by taking the high road, she twisted round at the last second to give him a last contemptuous glare.

Lily quickly returned to Severus, shoes on feet, coat on body, ready for action. She dragged him into the car and spoke about how she was trying to keep Petunia happy.

"You, see, Sev, she wasn't too pleased about you coming. Yvonne's ill, so I asked for you to fill her place. She threw a fit at first, but I think she's calming down now. We just need to keep our heads down. I don't want to be the reason she's crying on her birthday not after year, but that really wasn't my actual fault, when you think about it hard, you see I was just…"

But what Lily did or didn't do to upset her sibling, Severus never found out for at that precise moment, Petunia embarked the Vehicle, nails much shinier than before. Lily was squashed in-between the pair and her parents sat in front as they began trundling down the roads of Cokeworth. Lily did attempt conversation with Petunia, but it seemed she was fuming with Lily for inviting Snape, and merely replied in snorts grunts and a range of grunts capable of a soprano singer.

Petunia did cheer up, nonetheless, when the quintet disembarked to find Petunia's housewife wannabe friends outside the bowling alley.

Lily and Severus walked just apart from the gaggle of pink females and straight into the manager of the establishment. The man did not seemed fazed by this although the pair were almost as tall as him. His weight seemed to stabilise him.

"Ahh, the love that is in the young," he proclaimed "I remember when I was in the love when I was in the young. Walk around in a daze, don't we?" The man seemed rather pleasant, and showed all appearances of wanting to continue despite Lily's spluttering and Sev's pale face.

"We are not, I do not, no… no," remarked Lily finally, face matching her hair.

"Ahh, of course not, silly me. I am the Timothy," he added, seeing Lily looking confusedly at his badge which had regrettably been left continuously in the washing machine, so that it looked more like a gang emblem than a name.

And with that he left them, probably to step into more paths of unwary visitors.

The rest of the gang had already acquired their bowling shoes, so Lily and Snape skipped over to get theirs (except Snape manly skipped over).

And there, just behind the desk was a male, whom, Lily will even swear to this day, was the most attractive man she has ever laid eyes on. We ought to be glad she was just ten at this point for had she been a hormone-raging teen at the time, her body would have become overcome with lust and would have, quite possibly, licked him.

Lily was more of a physical being.

The pre-teen Lily almost fainted.

"Can I have a size two please," she leant over slightly to read his name badge, and subsequently show off her observational skills (as well as getting the privilege to smell him), "Matt?"

Matt looked bored; he had had to deal with Petunia's friends already. "Can I take your shoes first, please?"

He said "_please_"!

Lily bent down, but suddenly remembered that she couldn't give her footwear away. They'd been on her feet for at least half an hour; they would stink.

"I don't have any shoes."

"Yes, you do they are on your feet," exclaimed Snape, at whom she aimed her next death glare. He put his shoes on the counter and requested a pair of fives as Lily slipped hers off. While Matt was off fetching Snape's bowling shoes, Lily surreptitiously breathed into her shoes in the hope her minty toothbrush breath would disguise the odour of feet. Lily needn't have worried, however; Matt did not lift her shoes to his nose to smell them.

Eventually, the pair located the rest of the group, with their new bowling shoes on. Petunia sighed when she saw them coming, and muttered something into Yvonne 2's (her other friend named Yvonne, not to be confused with the Yvonne who couldn't make it) ear.

They had already started.

Petunia started talking to her mother about how they couldn't let Snape and Lily into the game now as it would "Mess it all up."

It was all getting rather heated until Timothy turned up again.

"Why are you in the problem?"

Petunia burst forth to explain the entire details. Mrs Evans quietened her with a small pull back on the shoulders. She hastened to explain instead. "Is there any way we can start the game over; we accidently started without Lily and Severus."

"Ahh," Timothy said knowledgably, "No, but we do have one lane spare, perhaps Miss Lily and Mr Severus would like to do the playing there instead." He gestured to the lane on his immediate left, where there was indeed a spot vacant.

"I didn't pay for two lanes."

"And you will not be needing to." Mrs Evans looked ready to kiss him.

"On you go then."

Lily quickly managed to relate the basics of bowling to the wizard boy. She demonstrated a perfect spare on her go, knocking down seven at first and then the remaining three with her next ball.

Severus Snape took hold of the heaviest ball there and instantly dropped it. Luckily, he managed to move his foot away at the last second and when he went to collect the abandoned ball, it was instantly lighter.

"THAT'S CHEATING," cried Lily "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO USE ACCIDENTAL MAGIC TO MAKE IT EASIER. THIS IS A COMPETITIVE SPORT."

But Snape barely listened to her. He was in his element. He was one with the ball. When his fingers slid into the three holes they fit like a, well…not a glove but like finger puppets.

His arm, so averagely weak, were empowered by the magnificent sphere. The small weight he owned was thrust forward as he transferred it to the opposing leg. There was no ball, truly. The fact was he had long since been missing a piece to attach to his hand.

He was the ball. The ball was a slimy git.

One and the same.

Be the ball, see the ball, do the ball, have a ball, remember to not leave your shoes behind at the ball.

Ball

Ball.

Ball.

Balls, it was going completely the wrong direction as it slid off his fingertips.

But then, in a miraculous turn of events, the bowling ball slid, as if by magic, down the centre path until:

"STRIKE!"

And, as if by magic, all of his throws turned out to be strikes. Normally, Lily would have been pleased for her friend who rarely achieved anything, but Matt was in the nearby vicinity and Lily was losing by one-hundred and something points, putting her rather off Severus.

Lily wasn't the only one displeased. Timothy made a big fuss of framing a large photograph of the boy, underneath the title ULTIMATE BOWLING CHAMPION, on Petunia's birthday. And as Petunia rightly said he looked "more like a petulant mosquito than a Perfect Petunia."


End file.
